Okay, is this…
…DUDE, IT IS. IT IS WORKING. I HAVE SO MANY TALENTS.
Okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay so here's the thing, I am now totally doing the mission logs for us returning to New Orleans to…hold on...
…"investigate the health and well-being of the entity known as The Cypress in light of recent--" and that's where the paper ends because I bit it, but dude, I already completely one hundred percent know what the mission is because we are trying to figure out what happened to the awesome Granny Swamp who gave me lots of cookies one time. I guess she's been on fire lately? I dunno exactly, but anyone who messes with a cookie source gots to pay hard. Ooh, and another thing? Before we left, her sad psycho Baby Swamp decided to glom back into her, so that also means that Granny Swamp also has (or is) my bitey fox hat. I never thought of a name for the bitey fox hat, and I totally should have, and now it may be too late.
What? Oh, right.
I'm s'posed to explain what's up with this thought recorder thingy I'm using to write this. Okay, thing: Sweetheart always takes mission log duty whenever it's a job she's on, because if you try and do the logs yourself she stands there staring at your screen and yelling at you a lot until you get horked and get up to get a soda or something and then you forget you were doing the logs at all and four days later the mission logs are all done. It is totally magic. This is not an option this time because Sweetheart is not along. For this joint, it is just me and Biscuit the Magic Sweary Helicopter ("Nick") and, well, keyboards don't like me very much after the keyboard incident.
So I was all like, well, I guess Biscuit is gonna be doing the logs this time. He made tons of cool wrongswears about how he goes on more missions than anyone (which is kinda true by default) and how he always has to do log stuff. He called somedude a "[fungus gravy-boat stick-licking porpoise-hugger]" and I hells of cannot even figure that one. But, since cause of my disability, we all thought it was gonna be him again doing the logs for New Orleans 2: New Orleansier.
THAT ALL CHANGED.
This is why it changed, because of this: before the swamp emergency, Biscuit was in the middle of doing organ runs between Walter Reed and the Black Mayo Clinic in Rochester, which is just like the regular Mayo Clinic but secret. Anyway, it was all these preserved bits from famous smart scientists and crap and he was like, "this mission is rad and all but I gots tons of these gross [daisy-sucking] organs in my cargo hold" and I was all like, "Dude, what organs?" and he was all like, "[Spunk], I dunno, a whole mess of livers and spleens and brains--" and this is exactly the point where I stop being able to remember what happened.
I woke up a while later--my mouth tasted like pickles, it was really dark out, and the cargo hold was totes empty. "Okay, two things," Biscuit said. "You have completely solved the problem of what to do
with the scientist brains."
And I was all like, "Hey that's good!" I was trying not to burp while talking because it's rude. "How'd I do that?"
"Wasn't pretty," he said. "The second thing is, after you solved problem one, you went into some kind of [spelunking] mind trance slash food coma and went absolutely gonzo on my VR console."
"Did I break it?" (I was all like.)
"I…don't even know," said Biscuit.
"If you can't tell if I broke it, I probably didn't," I said. "So, score! Both good things!"
"I guess," he said. "I think you left yourself a note over there, next to that hat."
"Huh," I said, and this is what it said, and I can tell you exactly what it said because I have it right here:
* * *
This is yourself, attempting to communicate with you. I am not
certain how long this period of heightened mental acuity will last, so
I'll try and be brief. I have altered the Virtual Reality hardware
originally used by Project Whirligig to replicate Mr. Zerhakker's
human existence and made a number of improvements on it.
First and foremost, I have trained it to accept uploaded on-the-fly
thought data and cross-programmed it with the thought-to-text emulator
already used by Mr. Zerhakker to make online posts. I have worked this
device into the lining of the "Keep On Trucking" baseball-style cap you see
on the bench before you, and I encourage you to experiment with it --
this particular component should be relatively safe to use. Of
course, this is a fairly pedestrian application, making use of only a
fraction of the console's capacity. Used properly, the upgraded
Whirligig VR software has the potential to establish and maintain
mass-accessible user-driven synthetic worlds which can interface with
existing computer networks and render abstract constructs into
concrete sensory input. I should caution you, however, that
* * *
And this is where the paper ends because I bit it.
"ROCK!" I said, looking at the hat that I guess I designed in my sleep or something. "Do you know what this means?"
"What?" said Biscuit.
"NEW HAT!" I said.